Raindrops and Condolences

Raindrops keep falling on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red
Crying's not for me
Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'
Because I'm free
Nothing's worrying me   --BJ Thomas

I remember as a very young girl, long before I met my love, my oldest brother took me to see the movie "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid." Paul Newman and Robert Redford played in it. I of course fell in love with the character the Sundance Kid, played by Robert Redford. He was the "bad boy" and of course in the path of my life, this is the type of man to which I was always attracted. It was the character of Butch Cassidy played by Paul Newman that was the "good guy" and of course the sweetest and most empathetic character. Somehow, at that really impressionable age of eight, I got the idea that my older brother was the embodiment of Butch Cassidy. He is a funny guy, my brother, and he can really tell a joke or be tough when he needs to. Still, he never approved of my love and my brother and I grew apart during the last 30 years. When my love died last year, my brother sent no condolences and never called. It pains me over and over. I should let it go. It shouldn't matter, but it does. My favorite part of the movie my brother took me to is when Butch and schoolteacher Etta Place (played by Katherine Ross) goof around on a bicycle. This was a sweet scene and possibly influenced me more than anything in becoming a school teacher (who can say?), but that's the image I have of my brother. Just a funny guy goofing around on a bicycle.  I really don't have to many other memories of him from my childhood. Hmm. That's it for me because..well, crying's not for me. I love that song.

Hafez & The Story of Us

Whenever the road my love and I faced together became puzzling or difficult, my love would take out a book called The Odes of Hafez. He had some incantation he would recite (which I can't exactly remember or translate) and open to a "ordained" page. This was always fun for us even in the face of some seemingly difficult situations. I will miss those times, but after today I will use a new book and open it to an "ordained" page whenever I need that understanding that my love and Hafez always gave me.
I keep getting lured deeper and deeper into the Internet and honestly I have learned so much. Is that because I no longer feel the same about my world as I did last year at this time? Maybe. It could be because the Internet gives me an interesting diversion from grieving (which I know is not necessarily a good thing). Yesterday, I spent the entire day working on this "new" book which is about my life with my love. I imported every decent picture I could get my hands on from old photo cd's I had not looked at in years. I chose layouts and colors and wrote text to tell the story of us. Of course it made me cry, but I had to admit that my life has been filled with love and joy. I just love to look at the book. Since it is being published by Shutterfly (self publishing company) on the Internet, it will come in the mail in a week or two. The next volume of my life has begun. There is no stopping it.

I Have Learned So Much

by Hafez

I 

Have 

Learned 

So much from God 

That I can no longer 

Call 

Myself 

A Christian, a Hindu, a Muslim, 

a Buddhist, a Jew. 

The Truth has shared so much of Itself 

With me 

That I can no longer call myself 

A man, a woman, an angel, 

Or even a pure 

Soul. 

Love has 

Befriended Hafiz so completely

It has turned to ash 

And freed 

Me 

Of every concept and image 

my mind has ever known.

From: 'The Gift'  

Translated by Daniel Ladinsky

Who Would Ever Want to Be King?

I've been making jam all morning. First I made peach and then blackberry. It all came out pretty well. I love to make jam although I need a great deal more practice. Still, it's nice to feel like you create something out of nothing. I've actually started doing a great deal. I took many classes in computers and technology in the last week or two. I started an ebay business to sell cookbooks (Yes, I collect cookbooks). I've started getting ready to go back to work. I know my love died in November, but is truly amazing how long it takes to get back to a semblense of your old self. I think I may have been much too judgemental of others in the past who I somehow mistakenly thought were taking too long to grieve (foolish me!) and now I know better. The song below is one that has fasinated me for some time. I use to listen to it and think that my day would come. I knew that for so long I had lived like a king. I felt that I did rule the world. Once my love was gone, it was as if I had to sweep the streets I once owned. I regret many mistakes I've made in my life. I woudn't change my love for anyone in the world past or present. I would, however, build my castles on more than just sand. Hopefully, if I build anything in the future, I will remember this.

Viva La Vida

I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own
I used to roll the dice
Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes
Listen as the crowd would sing "Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!"
One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand
I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can't explain
Once you go there was never Never an honest word
And that was when I ruled the world
It was the wicked and wild wind
Blew down the doors to let me in
Shattered windows and the sound of drums
People couldn't believe what I'd become
Revolutionaries wait  For my head on a silver plate
Just a puppet on a lonely string
Oh who would ever want to be king?
I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can't explain
I know Saint Peter won't call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world
I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can't explain
I know Saint Peter won't call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world--Lyrics by Cold Play
From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/viva-la-vida-lyrics-coldplay.html ]

The Opera Known as My Life

Isn't it funny about music? I'm sitting hear listening to Boz Skaggs (that's an oldie).  That song comes in my life before my love did. These days I can listen to songs I remember from before my love, but the ones that we shared together are so tough to hear. I can remember going with my love to listen to Luciano Pavoratti. What a voice! We sat way up in the nose bleed section, but his voice could carry to the stars. "Nessun Dorma" is a song that has always brought me to tears. I always thought the words meant something like if I cannot see your face I don't want to see any one's. I always felt this way about my love. Now, as I older and wiser, I know it means no one will sleep, and the story behind this opera is about a cold princess who does not want to marry (all those years of thinking it was something so romantic! It sounded romantic).
Years ago we went to hear Andrea Bocelli in the place where the story of Romeo and Juliet was set. Honestly, those star crossed lovers had nothing on my love and me. Looking back, they were just a younger version of us. The day of the concert we were to attend, the Pope held an audience in Rome and all the trains in Italy were running late. It was so close to the start of concert that I asked God to just let me hear Bocelli and forget about those really expensive seats. I remember frantically running and we got into the arena and they locked the gates after us. We couldn't get to our seats, but we could sit on the stone steps and listen to Verdi's Requiem and Andrea Bocelli. I told God I was so grateful he let me into the arena in Verona. What music filled that night!
Probably Bryan Adams best represents the soundtrack of our lives. That song "Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman?" is what made me love his music so much. I'm not listening to Bryan Adams yet but I hope that will change. It was from the move "Don Juan" and my love had too many things in common with Don Juan. Anyways, it's fun to remember all the music of our life together. I hope heaven is filled with music.

The Light of a Loaf of Bread

A traveler on the mystic path
is content with a loaf of bread;
By its light he may be turned
towards the Light of God.     Rumi

 

Today is Independence day where I live. So what am I fixing? I am fixing Italian American food. I am keenly aware of the contributions of the Italians to my country's development. Italian food is possibly the backbone of American success. I don't see how we could have developed without it. God bless all the Italians that came to this country for a better life. Pizza built this country (ask any kid in America since it's pretty much all they will eat). I can smell the yeast from the kitchen as my dough is warmly rising. I love the smell of yeast and baking bread. In the beginning years of my life with my love there was an Italian bakery just a few blocks away. This is where I discovered panettone, foccacia and ciabatta. These were truly a revelation for me because I grew up on strictly white bread. One of the only field trips my class ever took was to the Weber's bread factory. I knew then that there was something magical about yeast. By the time my love and I had a few years together, we traveled to Europe together. That's when I began to get to know Italy. It remains my favorite place in the entire world. By the time we returned for a second visit to Italy, to Florence, I was really hooked. I had a paperback copy of a Marcella Hazan cookbook and each morning I would walk many many blocks through Florence to prepare our food for the day. I still remember a plum cake I made that made me feel like a million dollars. We had a room with a view of the river Arno. What a life! I am so grateful for that time. More and more I am able to remember these things without sorrow.
This morning, I am baking foccacias for three different families. Some of the breads will have onions and others rosemary and olives. Don't get me started on olives! My olive garden memories are some of the most romantic memories I have. I seem to recall my love singing a funny song about bread and salt. It's a good day.

Time Travel Right Now!

I am watching what is going on in Egypt. Actually, I am talking to my sister in Washington and we both are watching a live cam of Tahrir Square while as we talk on the telephone and I blog to you. Wow! What a totally amazing thing to watch  and feel a part of--history for good or bad (I can't say). I don't know if what I see is what is really happening, but I am seeing laser lights, fireworks and cars honking. This world is amazing in many ways. Social media will touch every one's life too (I guess I should have seen that one coming too).

Egypt and Defying Death

I've been watching the news from Egypt lately. I'm not sure what will happen today. Will the military take over or will things continue the way they are? I read a book yesterday by Anne Rice (who by the way wrote Interview with the Vampire) called Pandora. Anyway, there were so many references to ancient Egypt and the Goddess Isis. How Isis is viewed in Pandora is pretty complicated. If I told you what I got, I could be really off the mark from that which the author intended. I knew instinctively, though, that Isis was in some ways a kindred spirit. What the book Pandora doesn't tell you is about the myth of Osiris and how he was murdered.This is a sad story of an unsuspecting victim and the devastated wife who searches for his body. I can surely relate to Isis in the depths of her grief for her husband Osiris.

 

Down through history, it is Plutarch (who I've actually had some occasion to read) who tells us  about the really extreme grief of Isis at the death of her dead husband. Plutarch, oh so many years ago, related the belief that the tears of Isis were thought to cause the annual flooding of the Nile. First it makes me think of a joke about "cry me a river," but after having cried now so many tears for so many months, for my lost love, the flooding of Egypt doesn't really amaze me at all.

 

Since before the time of Isis and Osiris, civilizations and all humans have had to make sense of death. Interestingly enough, the way that Isis' people, the Egyptians, and my people, the North Americans (U.S.) have dealt with death has been, historically, very different. I find the following two societal responses to death quite interesting and accurate:

 

"Death-defying--refusal to believe that death would take anything away and believe it could be overcome.  Example: early Egyptians who built pyramids for the Pharaoh which included their wives, money, and possessions for the world after death with the expectation that the Pharaoh could vanquish death."

 

"Death-denying--refusal to confront death, belief that death is antithetical to living and that it is not a natural part of human existence.  Example: United States, where there are few rituals associated with grieving. Rituals are generally replaced by contrivances for coping with grief."

From Rando, T. A. (1984). Grief, dying and death: Clinical interventions for caregivers (p. 5). Champaign, IL: Research Press. Copyright © 1984 by the author. Adapted with permission.

 

Blogging--contrivance or ritual? It is a lack of helpful rituals for my grief which in fact led me to this blog.

 

My sister is planning a trip to Egypt and Pompeii (where the Temple of Isis is found) in the very near future. Today, like so many places in the world, Egypt is staring down the face of real trouble and social unrest. What will happen today? What will the military do and what will the people do? I pray for all those people. I pray that those with power will let everyone stay in this world. The Nile has had enough tears.