I watched the most amazing movie tonight. A man had a funeral for himself before he died and wanted everyone to come. Actually, what he really wanted was to confess his sins and ask for forgiveness which he did. He had made some really bad mistakes in his life (I can relate to that) and locked himself away from everyone to punish himself.
Earlier in the day, I went to the library and read about grieving again. I read some amazingly sad things about grieving like women who cut off their pinkie fingers part way to acknowledge their own pain. Other women allow themselves to be burned with the bodies of their beloved (no longer practiced). After many tears and a good amount of reading, I came to see that all this pain will not be in vain. There are many paths to follow, but I have the choice to create something new. This time in my life has something to do with accepting my own mortality. It's something we all know will come for us too, but I can't say I think about it much or seriously. One of the writers compared death to birth with all its confusion. Suffice it to say that I will never be the same.
Moving through my grief after four years can now handle some laughter and tears. I want and need fewer tears and more laughter.
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