Winds of Change

The fury of the winds upon my roof was relentless. It blew and blew for the last few days. Mostly I stayed in bed to keep warm. I wouldn't say I am proud of the fact, but I am happy for myself that I had the chance. I'm making tamales today. The masa has saffron that a friend of mine brought back for me from Turkey. I have so many things to do it's difficult to know where to start. I'm probably going to close up the house and move on to a different life than I have known. It's strange to be letting go of everything I have struggled to accumulate. Honestly, I question the benefit of collecting so many objects. Relinquishing them is proving more difficult than I had anticipated.

A Light Supper

When the Unwanted Guest arrives...
I might be afraid.
I might smile or say:
My day was good, let night fall.
You well find the fields ploughed, the house clean,
the table set,

and everything in its place.

 

--Manuel Bandeira

 

We move into another winter and it's cold outside.

What will 2014 bring? It's been a short while since

we moved into the 21st century. Numbers

like 2013 and 2014 are strange to me. It seems

like just yesterday it was 1981. There were still

many years left to the 20th century. Today it's

cold and the next century spreads out like

a blank canvas. Let me pick up the brush.

 

Autumn Circle

All the things which come with Autumn represent change. The leaves change colors and then drop. The mornings get crisper and nights are clearer. It's been one year since my love died and my heart remembers parts of my life that my mind cannot. My love and I began in the Autumn more than thirty years ago, and my life feels like a giant circle which has led me back to exactly where I began. Having returned to the beginning, I cannot help but notice that everything has changed. So many Autumns have come and gone in that time and it is a different world than when my love first stole a kiss from me. An incredible life was set in motion with just a kiss.  Now, as that life runs its course, I am left in this moment. Today there is online-dating, lap band surgery, Obama care, war, cell phones, Facebook, really expensive gas, nano technology, and the list goes on and on. The world that my love and I knew, once upon a time, is gone. Autumn is difficult because you really become aware of change. You can't pretend that everything is the same. I'm like an astronaut in my own life on an unknown planet. I pray for friendly alien life forms to greet me not knowing who or what awaits. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers.  

Mongoose Days

I read "Rikki Tikki Tavi" with my students. He is a very brave mongoose that Rudyard Kipling created. He kills the cobras. I was thinking about the story from the perspective of the cobras, and it comes out very differently. They were just trying to protect their babies. Funny how life has two sides. I have a hard time seeing two sides of the events in Syria, but maybe it's not so unlike the mongoose and the cobras. They each want to protect what is theirs. I speak to my love each day because his picture is on my desk. He was a really fierce mongoose himself. Yet, he could be as gentle and playful as Rikki Tikki. It's hot here and the weather tires me out. I can't complain because it's nothing like Colorado. Those floods just washed away the life that so many people knew. In the beginning of "Rikki Tikki" it's a flood that washes Rikki away from his parents and his old life into his knew life and his adulthood. He learned well from his childhood/mongoose youth, and he carries his knowledge with him with no chance to go back. I guess that's how life is. Sometimes we get washed out of the past and we go on.

Faith and Clouds

I learned so much today. On the radio they were telling about a treatment that had my love had it, it might have saved him. I got angry, but I remembered what my love always said, "When death comes, even the doctors are silenced." So it was that he left. Then of course, the saddest song came on the radio so I could hardly drive. It's been raining out here in the desert, and I am getting use to all the water (from the sky and my eyes). The clouds have really been amazing. I keep looking up and wondering if the image of the clouds as heaven is just an illusion. Then I wonder if my love can see me or look down upon me. The idea of weather makes me think not. I'm sure it doesn't matter, but I still question and wonder. I wish I could just have faith. My dogs are barking at something they see or hear but I don't. So, I'm off to speak with them and I don't even know if they understand.

Strange Dreams & Strange Music

Last night I had the strangest dream (I know that's a line from too many dreams). In my dream, I understood exactly how to prepare to die and go to the next life. I was explaining to someone this epiphany, but as I began to explain, the understanding left me. The explanation of how one can accept mortality and prepare to leave this life we know involved a deep love of God. There was more to it than that, but I could not hold onto the understanding when I went to explain it. What a shame. It's funny that I am struggling with this problem in my dreams. Many of my friends have died over the years, but I never thought too much about the fear of death or my own fears. I'm sitting hear listening to Tom Waits and it's about 2:00 a.m. I can't sleep anymore and the song he is singing is called "Starving in the Belly of a Whale." Well! Death has certainly swallowed me up at this moment. The sun will come up soon and that whale will surely spit me out. I'm going to change the music right now.

Dia de Los Muertos & the Voice of My Love

I've been canning grape jelly and grape tomatoes this week. What a job! I'm trying to teach myself how to do it correctly. It is a bit difficult, but I'm learning. I don't know what to do with all the jars of jelly, jam and misc. I was cleaning up my hard drive and I came across a video my love and I made just a short while back before he became so ill. I can hear his voice saying things about humming birds and the land. He is speaking to me and I just love to hear his voice. I did not know I had such a precious gift. It really was a gift from the Universe this week. I thought I would never hear his voice again, but that is not so. The video reminds me of what a gentle and sweet man he was to me. I miss him this week. I found a really neat video that you can watch for free. It's about the Day of the Dead. This is a Mexican celebration that kind of laughs at death in order not to cry. The short film is animated and a little girl who has lost her mom is taken to the land of the dead for a short while to learn what Dia De Los Muertos is really about. You will love it. Actually it will be the most beautiful 3 minutes you will know for sometime. Just copy this in our url and you will be there.

http://vimeo.com/71853142