The View From Here

The hill upon which my home sits looks down upon a little town. In the evening, you can look down and see all the twinkling lights. Before the sun sets, you can see beyond the town, far out into the desert. It looks so serene. Today, I fixed a seating area on my porch. I imagined my friends and neighbors sitting and chatting with me and looking down at the town. A porch is a good place for people to visit and I hope my neighborhood will always be a place where I am safe and I can just sit there without any cares. I wish my love was here with me to sit in those chairs. We always sat in the backyard with the swing. I remember sitting on that swing and watching the stars. One night we stayed up very late watching a meteor shower and just rocking. It was a warm night and there were so many shooting stars it really did look like a fireworks show. I wonder what view my love has now. Does he have a view of the stars or of me? How I wish I knew this answer. For now I will have to be content with the twinkling lights and the memory of those wondrous stars.

Baking Bread & Sitting In the Sun

Today I sat in the sunshine with my dearest friends and laughed. It was so beautiful today with sunshine and swaying palm trees. The temperature was a delightful 74 degrees Fahrenheit. Yesterday got better for me after I baked cinnamon rolls. I also baked a loaf of Christmas bread. My Greek cooking teacher says I should have added more flour, but I couldn't get the dough to take so much. Still, it came out great. I've been studying Greek cooking for a few years now. I think I'm OK at fixing Greek dishes. My stuffed grape leaves are not bad. I think one of my sisters is going to be traveling through Greece in the near future. I never went there, but my love really loved it there. I never got to see Greece. You know how way leads on to way and I just never got there. Maybe I will go with my Athenian cooking teacher someday. It could happen.
My seedlings of dill and cilantro are doing very well indoors under the grow lights. I also have two types of lettuce and Kohlrabi coming along waiting for perfect weather. I guess I will go out to work on the path I am setting in the garden. The roses are all beginning to show new growth. It is so beautiful and bitter sweet to watch the seasons change. Time is so fleeting.

Anticipating Spring

I would like to say that I am anxiously awaiting the coming of Spring. Actually, I'm not. I am sick of being cold, but I can't say that I look forward to the seasons the way I use to do. Still, today I saw the first leaves from my bulbs begin to come out of the earth. I was happy for a moment. Tonight is a full moon. Last night I watched the Academy Awards show with some friends. The outfits on the red carpet were better than I remember them being. Barbara Streisand sang "Memories" and that was tough to listen to without crying. I could see that Barbara had changed since the last time I saw her (so have I). She sang as a memorial tribute to Marvin Hamlisch, her good friend and collaborator who recently passed away. Today I baked cinnamon rolls and bread. It made the house smell good. It was kind of quiet around here today. Maybe tomorrow will be better. M.

Movies I Haven't Seen

Sunday night on television they will have the Academy Awards ceremony. I'm going to watch, but I haven't seen any of the movies. Les Miserables, Silver Linings, Argo all slipped by me this year. I've been watching too many shows on remodeling. I am glued to DIY network. What can I say? Each and every time I try to do anything DIY, it doesn't end well. It's nice to dream when you watch those shows. So, all my extra time is spent on television. I haven't made films a priority. I use to go to films with my love. We went to a film festival each year. The movies we saw were so amazing. Once we even took a famous  French director to lunch with us since he was from out of town and we knew a good restaurant. I can't say I haven't had a wonderful life. I will miss my man next to me in the movie theater with popcorn and soda. It is a nice memory to hold.

A Love Letter from the Soul

Below is a letter I have written to myself as part of the exercises from the book You Already Know What To Do: 10 Invitations to the Intuitive Life.  I am completing all the exercises from the book and they are quite comforting to me. In this exercise, I must write a letter from my soul to myself. The requirements for the letter are that I write about what I admire in myself and also, I must tell what I think my soul loves about me. Finally, I must tell the areas of myself that need healing. Sharon Franquemont, the author, says that we do not really know how much we are loved. "Whether we are One with Allah, whether we're not meant to suffer, or whether God sent His only son for us, does not matter. It all adds up to the same thing: we are the beloved." Wow! I have really felt this love during the past few weeks as I have reached out to my friends, family and my community.

Dear M. Noel,
As your soul, I feel it necessary at this time to elaborate how much you are loved. You seem to forget this when things get really difficult for you. I am sorry that you have cried so much lately. I understand what you are going through and I must say that you are handling the loss of your loved one as best as anyone could. You are a very patient person. Don't worry about all the years ahead; you will never be alone. Also, your heart is really terrific. You will continue to love and be loved just as surely as I, your soul, and God too will continue to love you. What I love the most about you is that you love in spite of the intense pain that comes with great love. You will need time to heal from your loss. You will need to heal from the fear of loss. I will be there for you each step of the way. Take my hand and know that you will heal and feel joy again one day.
Regards,
Your Soul

A Tango Indeed

Dance is something that has always interested me, but I have never learned. A friend of mine did and she really learned the tango. I love to watch the tango. I have seen Flamenco dancing in San Diego, and it was beautiful. Maybe I will learn to dance like my friend.
Sometimes I find myself so angry and other times not so much. Today, as I wait for the snow, I'm reading Pablo Neruda. He understood anger and pain and love very well. He wrote about all those things and more. I am drawn to art and poetry in order to find peace.

I Will Come Back

Some time, man or woman, traveller,
afterwards, when I am not alive,
look here, look for me here
between the stones and the ocean,
in the light storming
in the foam.
Look here, look for me here,
for here is where I shall come, saying nothing,
no voice, no mouth, pure,
here I shall be again the movement
of the water,
of its wild heart,
here I shall be both lost and found -
here I shall be perhaps both stone and silence.

Pablo Neruda

Storms Just Blowing In

A storm is coming and I am getting ready. I remember a big storm a few years back, before Katrina. My love and I crossed Lake Pontchartrain into New Orleans in a category 4 storm. That was a very scary ride and the flooding at that time was very frightening. This was all before Katrina. After Katrina, we returned to see the city, maybe two years after Katrina, and in St. Bernard Parish in New Orleans, the tree roots were everywhere up through the sidewalks and roads. It was like a scary movie to see.
Greiving has felt dark and uprooting the way St. Bernard Parish made me feel. Now, at this moment, the darkness seems to begin to lift.
Last week's snow storm was a gift from God I suspect. All that snow that was dumped on Big Bear did seem to keep that gunman from doing more harm than he did.
Weather is funny. I remember one snow storm when I could not get home to my love. He burned so much wood in the fireplace until I returned. When I went to my first grief group in town a few weeks back, it started to snow. I was just looking out the window, and I could see the snow clouds just blowing in. It sure made me think of my love. I strained to see the snow falling. They were fleeting moments which I could neither stop nor hold.

Valentine's Break & My Heroes

I had to take a break the last two days. It wasn't that Valentine's was so hard this year. It's just that I needed to grieve this holiday. For several years now, I have realized more that this holiday is a time to show my gratitude for all the people who have taken care of my love.
I want my Valentine's day  to be about all the people who helped my love live each day as his mortal life slipped away. All the people in the hospital who worked to give him as much time as they could are a reflection of pure love. I so love those people, and there were many. I have my complaints, of course, about the hospital experience, but the people I came to know were really angels. I wish health care was better, but I am so grateful for what we got. So, from now on, Valentine's day isn't about chocolates and hearts. It's about the people who get down and dirty and save your life when you are at your lowest. God Bless those people. They are and will always be my valentines.

Here to Learn Lessons

Many of my friends tell me that we are on this earth to learn lessons and we will keep coming back until we learn them. I don't know if that is so, but yesterday was a very sad day in our little world. I heard the news about the gunman (I cannot speak his name) and the shootout in the local mountains. It made me cry because I knew what was coming. Still, I hoped that maybe he would give up and maybe nobody would get hurt. Shortly after, I heard the big helicopters headed toward the mountains. I knew what that meant. I didn't turn the t.v. on because I wanted to stay away from that sadness. I have enough of my own. That man, the gunman, he reminded me of someone I once knew. In a short while, I heard the helicopters returning home and knew it was all over, and it was. Now the families must pick up the pieces of what is left of their lives. How will they go on? How does anybody go on? I have never really grieved before, so I never understood the strength of the human spirit. I am really humbled by my fellow man. I am very sorry that people have to live through such pain. There is so much I will never understand.

Eating Oatmeal Each Day

I really am trying to take it one day at a time. Yesterday I spent a great deal of time in bed (mostly keeping warm) and I forgot to blog. I forget many things these days, but I suspect that is natural. Sometimes I forget to eat (although you would not know it to look at me). Eating three meals a day is one of my new goals. Today I ate a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast. Yesterday, I thought about eating a bowl of oatmeal and had a piece of cake instead. 
That cake is actually not just any cake. It was one of my mom's recipes. Actually, when I was growing up, my mom never really cooked at all. I learned to cook very young and went to work in restaurants very early as a result of this. When she passed away, I got many of my mom's possessions and several steno notebooks. I have a hard time giving away anything of hers (yes, even curlers) so I still have those steno notebooks. Mainly I like to look at her handwriting. It's a connection to her that I hold onto. Well, she must have spent hours copying these recipes (which she never made). I made one of the cakes that was in the notebook. Wow! It was so good, like a gift from the beyond from my mom. I suspect she would be proud of how I'm doing. I miss her too. I wish she was here now, but maybe she is in heaven enjoying the company of my love (which I could believe since he was so charming). Actually, in her own way, my mom was pretty charming too. That cake--really charming. M.

The Universe Likes Oz Too

The quote below is from a daily feed I get from "Tut" or the Universe. I have been getting these daily emails from the Universe  for several years and I have to tell you that they have so helped and retrained my brain to think positive thoughts. If you want to get them, just search for Tut and Notes from the Universe on the internet and you can sign up for free. I used my first and middle name in place of just my first name, when I signed up, so all my emails sound like my late mother speaking to me. It's just sweet and helpful. I found it really serendipitous that this email mentions the Wizard of Oz which just lets me know I am on my quest and I am already in Kansas (if I see it that way). I hope you join us "adventurers." M.

The lions and tigers and bears of time and space, Marilee Noel, are really the angels and fairies and unicorns that followed you here, in disguise, from world's beyond, agreeing to poke, unnerve, and awaken you should you ever begin to forget that you're making it all up - your life, that is.

Now that's love -
The Universe

Huell Howser & A Beautiful Day

The storm has passed my town and today looks beautiful. The sky is so blue and I'm not weepy at all. I have to be so grateful for that. I just heard that Huell Howser donated much of his money to my old college, Chapman  University. I had the chance to meet Huell once long ago when I worked at the Daily Pilot in Costa Mesa. He came by the newspaper and was looking around thinking about a possible show for California's Gold. He was such a sweet person. I would like to think of him as hanging out with my guy in heaven today. Maybe so. I hope I can leave behind even half as much goodness as Huell Howser did when I go. I guess I had better get my butt out of this chair and get going with that. Time is a waisting.

Not in Kansas Any More

Last night, as the wind was howling and the storm was blowing in, I watched "The Wizard of Oz." I just love that movie and it doesn't make me teary at all. I was thinking about all the symbolism in the movie and trying to think of what Joseph Campbell would say about it.
I relate with hero's quest and all the trials Dorothy must pass in order to get back home to Kansas. For me, the first wicked witch she encounters is symbolic of the medical system that sometimes does more harm than good to our loved ones. My experience with the health care system was not unlike having a house fall on you. The second witch, for me, is a metaphor for this loss I have experienced. I am following this path, or road, on my way back to Kansas (the life I knew before my loved one's departure). In a way, the scarecrow, the tin man and the cowardly lion are parts of myself which I must nurture in order to regain my balance. This experience has taxed my brain, my heart and my courage. I'm so lucky to have a several "good witches" in my life that understand this journey well as they have traveled it many times.
At the end of the film Dorothy says, "If I ever go looking for my heart's desire, I won't go any further than my own back yard, and if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with." Knowing that death cannot take anything from me is a difficult lesson to accept. My heart's desire, my love, is deep within my heart, still. M.

Serenity & The Fragrance of Mangoes

The world is not as I would wish it today. Even amidst the bad news on the t.v. and the bad weather on the horizon, I do see a world of possibilities. Somehow I grow stronger in my understanding of service. It's not so comforting, but it gives me strength. I found a journal that has the Serenity prayer on the cover. When I went to the library, I took notes from the magazines I like. First of course I read Oprah and she described the changes she has been going through lately. She interviewed Carolyn Myss whose advice includes defining your life, "...by what you have and not what you want," and she describes "spirit" as the part of ourselves which, "has to believe in more." So for today, my spirit is looking towards art and beauty. I have lived a life, with my love, in beautiful places. I know no one can take that away from me.
I bought these mangoes the other day for their beauty and smell. I wish I could paint them. I love the color of their skin and their fragrance. So, this life of mine is mangoes. It's not just mangoes but friends and sisters and everyone and every dream from the past and the present. OK. M.

Library Tears

I went to the library and read many of the books on grieving today. Of course I couldn't stop crying as I read the books, so I just turned from side to side so it wasn't so obvious. I picked up one by Elizabeth Kubler Ross about grieving. I only read the last few chapters, but I could see that I never really knew her. Now she is gone, but her life was no easy deal. I have to really thank her because I know people don't really want to talk about this. Where I live there is one grief support group, and while I do appreciate them, if you have a day job you are out of luck. When I went on the internet to look for grief support groups I found two websites and they both asked for money. I gave up on that idea quickly. So, tonight I'm not weeping and I took my dogs for a long walk. I wonder where Elizabeth is right now. I wonder where my love is.  I wonder where I am going.  M.

Grieving..Let Me Not Count the Ways

Having made it through the holidays of 2012, I find myself looking out toward Valentine's Day. I am grieving and this will be my first Valentine's alone in more than 30 years. When I look back at the past, the gifts, the candy and everything that went with them, I can see so much love. It's hard to let go of the one I have loved for so long. Below are lines from Rabindranath Tagore's Gitanjali. Somehow the words are comforting to me.

Death, thy servant, is at my door. He has crossed the unknown sea and brought thy call to my home.
The night is dark and my heart is fearful--yet I will take up the lamp, open my gates and bow to him my welcome. It is thy messenger who stands at my door.
I will worship him with folded hands, and with tears. I will worship him placing at his feet the treasure of  my heart.
He will go back with his errand done, leaving a dark shadow on my morning; and in my desolate home only my forlorn self will remain as my last offering to thee.

I am learning about grief. I am learning about life. Going on alone is not easy. I know I am not alone. M.